Anger Is a Tactic: How to Deal With People Who Use Aggression to Get Their Way
You know the person. The meeting gets tense, their voice rises, maybe a fist lands on the table, and within a minute the room gives in and they get their way. Later someone whispers “that’s just how they are” and the decision stands.
I never believed that framing. Temper at work is rarely just an emotional storm, it is a negotiation move, and the research on it is unusually clear: it extracts concessions from people who cannot walk away, it destroys value everywhere else, and it collapses the moment the target stops playing. Once you see it as a tactic, dealing with it stops being therapy and becomes strategy.
The Outburst Is Making an Argument #
Start with the finding that explains why the behavior persists: anger works, in the short term, on the people it is aimed at.
In a series of classic experiments, negotiators who were told their opponent was angry conceded more than negotiators who were told the opponent was happy (Van Kleef, De Dreu & Manstead, 2004).
The interesting part is the mechanism.
The targets were not scared into submission; they did the math.
They read the anger as information about the opponent’s limit, concluded the opponent would not move, and adjusted their demands to avoid impasse.
Related experiments found that angry negotiators win larger concessions from their counterparts (
Sinaceur & Tiedens, 2006).
The mechanism is a single inference on the target’s side, and the inference carries its own break condition:
Anger also buys status.
Across four studies, people who expressed anger were judged more competent than people who expressed sadness, and observers conferred higher status and even higher salary offers on them (Tiedens, 2001).
We read anger as confidence, and we promote what reads as confidence.
So the person yelling in the meeting is running a computation that has paid out for years: volume signals a hard limit, the limit signals competence, and everyone else absorbs the cost of avoiding the fight. Expecting them to stop out of politeness is expecting them to abandon a winning move.
Where the Tactic Stops Working #
The same literature that shows anger working also shows precisely where it fails, and the boundary matters more than the effect.
First, the signal only works while the behavior is consistent with it.
In the 2004 experiments, when the “angry” opponent started making large concessions, the effect vanished; targets stopped trusting the display and went back to their own numbers (Van Kleef et al., 2004).
Anger is an argument about a limit, and any behavior that contradicts the argument wins.
Second, the tactic depends on who is receiving the anger.
When researchers pitted anger against power, low-power participants conceded to an angry adversary regardless of whether the anger was appropriate, but high-power participants confronted with inappropriate anger retaliated and demanded more, not less (Van Kleef & Côté, 2007).
Anger extracts value downward and invites punishment sideways or upward.
Third, field data from hundreds of real online dispute mediations found that anger expression lowered resolution rates overall, in significant part because it triggered angry responses from the other party; only when the counterpart was especially vulnerable did the anger fail to hurt the expresser’s outcome (Friedman et al., 2004).
In relationships that continue past the transaction, anger mostly burns the expresser.
And the flow is almost entirely one-directional.
Sutton summarizes the frequency data in The No Asshole Rule: perceived nastiness is estimated to run downward (boss to subordinate) in 50 to 80 percent of workplace occurrences, versus roughly 1 percent upward.
Interview studies of workplace anger episodes found the same asymmetry from the other side: subordinates were the least likely to confront the target of their anger and the most likely to consider the incident unresolved (
Fitness, 2000).
Aggression survives on a power gradient and on the target’s silence, which is why the people who use it are so often leaders and so rarely peers.
The Hidden Cost #
The defense of these people is always the same: they get results. The research says those results carry costs nobody tracks.
The founding study of abusive supervision followed 712 employees and found that those who perceived their supervisor as abusive were more likely to quit, and the ones who stayed showed lower job and life satisfaction, lower commitment, and depressed perceptions of justice (Tepper, 2000).
Fifteen-plus years of follow-up research, synthesized in Tepper’s
Annual Review, established the pattern as one of the most robust in organizational psychology.
The abuse also cascades: managers mistreated by their own bosses go on to mistreat their subordinates (
Mawritz et al., 2012).
If you think that is soft-outcome stuff, the hard-outcome studies are worse.
Researchers randomized 24 neonatal intensive care teams to either neutral comments or a few mildly rude remarks from a visiting “expert,” rudeness deliberately unrelated to the team’s actual performance.
The rudeness-only teams’ diagnostic and procedural performance dropped significantly (2.6 vs 3.2 and 2.8 vs 3.3 on the judged scales), with rudeness alone explaining nearly 12 percent of performance variance.
The cause was social: the teams stopped sharing information and asking each other for help (Riskin et al., 2015).
A few sentences of mild rudeness measurably degraded how well expert teams saved babies, and the mediators were exactly the collaborative behaviors an angry leader suppresses.
Then the rudeness spreads.
Witnessing rudeness makes people more likely to judge ambiguous behavior as rude and to behave rudely themselves (Foulk, Woolum & Erez, 2016).
Witnesses of bullying report increased stress and fear of becoming targets (
Sutton).
Prevalence data suggests nearly everyone experiences incivility: across 14 years of polling, 98 percent of workers reported uncivil behavior, and by 2011 half reported being treated rudely at least weekly, up from a quarter in 1998 (
Porath & Pearson, HBR).
The aggressor’s visible win is real, but it is paid for by silent losses in everyone else’s judgment, information flow, and retention.
Why They Do It #
Two findings changed how I read these people.
The first is causal: power plus felt incompetence produces aggression.
Across studies, people with power who doubted their own competence were the most aggressive toward subordinates, and competent subordinates were the preferred targets of their put-downs (Fast & Chen, 2009).
The boss who lashes out at the strongest engineer in the room is often running from exactly that engineer’s competence.
The second is Sutton’s distinction between the temporary and the certified asshole: someone having a bad day versus someone “persistently nasty” who leaves targets oppressed and humiliated and aims at people less powerful (The No Asshole Rule).
The distinction matters because the responses differ.
A bad day deserves grace; a pattern is a system that will keep harvesting concessions until someone changes the price.
Read aggression as information: it tells you the person’s other tools are insufficient for the situation, which is exactly why the tactic concentrates at the top, where it is tolerated, and among the insecure, where it is needed.
The Playbook #
The research maps to a small number of concrete moves.
1. Separate the claim from the volume.
The outburst is an argument that a limit has been reached.
Answer the argument, not the volume: ask what specifically is unacceptable, what they need, and what would change their position.
Asking those questions works because the mechanism is inference; when you engage the substance and your own behavior contradicts the “hard limit” reading, the display loses its informational value (Van Kleef et al., 2004).
2. Do not reciprocate.
The field evidence is unambiguous that reciprocated anger is what destroys outcomes (Friedman et al., 2004).
Matching their tone converts a solvable disagreement into a status fight, and status fights involving a leader have exactly one winner available.
Stay slow, stay concrete, and let the asymmetry between your tone and theirs become visible to the room.
3. Name the behavior once it crosses the line.
The dual threshold model of anger in organizations distinguishes an expression threshold (communicate rather than suppress) from an impropriety threshold (display that violates norms and starts doing damage) (Geddes & Callister, 2007).
Functional anger sits between the thresholds; the table-pounder lives beyond the second one.
Naming it does not have to be dramatic: “I want to solve this, and I need you to lower your voice so we can” is a boundary, not an attack.
The key is to do it early, because subordinates who swallow anger consistently rate their incidents unresolved, and unresolved incidents compound (
Fitness, 2000).
4. Attack the dependency, not the person.
Anger extracts concessions from those who cannot walk away and invites retaliation from those who can (Van Kleef & Côté, 2007;
Friedman et al., 2004).
The practical translation is simple: build alternatives.
Document your contributions where others see them, cultivate sponsors outside your reporting line, keep your skills portable, keep your savings real.
You do not need to quit to be less dependent; you need the aggressor’s threat model about you to weaken.
Half the power of the tactic evaporates the day they are no longer sure you would stay.
5. Contain the contagion.
If you manage anyone exposed to the aggressor, protect their collaborative behavior deliberately.
Debrief the incident, keep information flowing, and make help-seeking explicitly safe, because those are the two channels rudeness shuts down first (Riskin et al., 2015;
Foulk et al., 2016).
Teams absorb an aggressor’s mood by default (
Sy, Côté & Saavedra, 2005); somebody has to interrupt the absorption.
6. If you have organizational power, make it a firing matter.
The strongest evidence-based organizational response is also the bluntest: refuse the trade.
Netflix’s culture memo says it in one line: “No matter how brilliant someone may be, there’s no place in our Dream Team for people who don’t treat their colleagues with decency and respect” (Netflix culture memo).
Sutton’s cost arithmetic (he calls it Total Cost of Assholes: HR hours, turnover, witnesses’ lost productivity, legal exposure; one executive’s estimate for a single engineer ran to about $160,000 a year) exists so leaders stop pricing these employees by output alone (
The No Asshole Rule).
And the ground must be safe before anyone will name the problem: Google’s Project Aristotle found psychological safety the most important of the five dynamics separating its effective teams from the rest (
Duhigg, “What Google Learned From Its Quest to Build the Perfect Team”).
Psychological safety is precisely what a chronic aggressor destroys.
What to Do Next #
Pick the next encounter and prepare one sentence for it. Something like “I will engage with the problem when we can discuss it calmly,” said once, neutrally, and then silence.
Inventory your dependency while calm: who else knows your work, how portable are your skills, how many months of runway do you have. The inventory is not defeatism; it converts you from a low-power target, the only kind this tactic works on, into a high-power one.
Write down the incidents, dates included. Patterns need data, and data is what turns “I feel uncomfortable” into a case a leader or HR can act on.
And if you have power over one of these people, stop asking whether they are worth the trouble and start computing what they cost; the research says the invoice is much larger than their manager has ever seen.
See also #
- When Engineers Disagree on Best Practices - the team-level counterpart: how one resolved disagreement sets the template for whether the loudest person wins from then on
References #
Van Kleef, De Dreu & Manstead, “The Interpersonal Effects of Anger and Happiness in Negotiations” (2004) - the mechanism: targets concede to anger because they infer a tough limit
Van Kleef & Côté, “Expressing Anger in Conflict: When It Helps and When It Hurts” (2007) - the boundary: low-power targets concede, high-power targets retaliate against inappropriate anger
Friedman et al., “The Positive and Negative Effects of Anger on Dispute Resolution” (2004) - field evidence that reciprocated anger destroys resolution rates
Tiedens, “Anger and Advancement Versus Sadness and Subjugation” (2001) - anger reads as competence and earns status and salary
Sinaceur & Tiedens, “Get Mad and Get More Than Even” (2006) - angry negotiators win larger concessions
Tepper, “Consequences of Abusive Supervision” (2000) - the founding study of what abusive bosses do to retention, satisfaction, and commitment
Riskin et al., “The Impact of Rudeness on Medical Team Performance” (2015) - randomized evidence that mild rudeness degrades expert teams’ diagnostic and procedural performance
Foulk, Woolum & Erez, “Catching Rudeness Is Like Catching a Cold” (2016) - rudeness is contagious
Mawritz et al., “A Trickle-Down Model of Abusive Supervision” (2012) - abuse flows down the hierarchy
Fast & Chen, “When the Boss Feels Inadequate” (2009) - power plus felt incompetence predicts aggression toward competent subordinates
Geddes & Callister, “Crossing the Line(s): A Dual Threshold Model of Anger in Organizations” (2007) - the expression/impropriety threshold model used in the playbook
Fitness, “Anger in the Workplace” (2000) - interview evidence that subordinates suppress anger and leave incidents unresolved
Tepper, Simon & Park, “Abusive Supervision” (2017) - the 15-plus year synthesis of the abusive supervision literature
Sutton, The No Asshole Rule (2007) - the practitioner frame: recognition tests, certified vs temporary, and the Total Cost of Assholes
Porath & Pearson, “The Price of Incivility” (2013) - prevalence trend data on workplace incivility
Netflix culture memo - the reference policy rejecting brilliant people who fail the decency bar
Duhigg, “What Google Learned From Its Quest to Build the Perfect Team” (2016) - Project Aristotle: psychological safety was the most important of Google’s five team-effectiveness dynamics